Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Case of the Blahs

I've been catching up on my blog reading and grumbling about people who just don't update their blogs often enough. As I realize - D'OH! It has been over a month since I updated my own.

So here's an update.

I am all healed from my surgery. It took a good two weeks before I felt even semi-normal again and quite honestly, I am *still* trying to get caught up at work.

It didn't help that the removal of my IUD led to my first real period in about 3 years and I spent a good four days in a lot of pain and wondering how it is possible for one person to bleed so much without actually dying.

The surgery combined with its related hormone wackiness combined with overwhelming work crap combined with whatever other unknown factors unfortunately spiralled me down into a horrible bout of depression.

I have stayed on the Wellbutrin continuously and it was working fine, but I had to add the Zoloft back in. I am frustrated at the realization that I will probably need to just stay on the medicines for an extended period of time. I haven't been able to stay off of them for more than a few months without having a recurrence and I am now accepting that is just the way it is.

These past few weeks have been so difficult. I have literally had to sit down in the morning and make a list of five things at work and one thing at home that need to be done. Then I have to force myself to go through them one by one. I am so frustrated and feel like it is unfair that so much has shifted onto Erik, because I am pretty worthless at the moment.

Last weekend Erik & I left the kids with his dad and went away for a long weekend in Williamsburg. We went to Busch Gardens and spent the day riding roller coasters. The weather was crappy but that ended up being a good thing because it kept the crowds away and the temperature nice and cool. It helped lift my mood a lot to do something fun with Erik. We needed that time together.

In other stuff, Marc is in the process of being tested and we will have a meeting at the end of May to determine his grade placement for next year.

And really, I am going to try to be better about updating my blog.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Navel Gazing... literally...

My belly button is glued closed. The doctor didn't use stitches, he used surgical glue. On my belly button. That is so weird.

He wasn't just being nice when he said one week off work. It is Monday night and I still feel like total shit. There is no way I'm going back tomorrow. I'd be surprised if I make it back on Wednesday.

I am SO exhausted and sore. Today I woke up, made coffee, took a shower and that was it. I was so worn out from standing up and taking a shower that I had to take a nap.

I am bored out of mind and restless, but too damn tired to DO anything so I'm just ending up cranky. I tried to take the painkillers down a dose today, but by mid-morning I was so uncomfortable that plan didn't work so well. I am frustrated at being constantly loopy from the drugs and unable to do anything. I can't drive, I can't work, I can't even do simple things around the house.

I have to keep reminding myself that my body really has been through some trauma and I need to be patient and let myself heal. But it is difficult when my office keeps calling me and asking questions and giving me messages. Come on - I am NOT calling people back from my house while doped up on massive doses of narcotics!!

I feel doofy admitting that I kinda mourn the loss of my ovary. I mean, it was one of my organs and it feels weird to know it's just not there any more.

In summary, Blaaaaah and yup, I am definitely staying home tomorrow.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

I wasn't really using that ovary anyhow

It's been another long gap since I've posted. What a couple of weeks I have had.

It started on Wed the 26th. I'd just returned to work from a nice relaxing long weekend, spending some great quality time with my kids and husband during their spring break. I was a little behind at work, but it was all things that I could easily catch up on.

Wednesday night I started to have some pain in my lower left side. Sharp pain. Annoying. Getting sharper. Erik asked if I needed to go the emergency room. I didn't want to go and sit all night in the e/r to have them tell me I had gas and just needed to fart. So I went to bed.

So Thursday I woke up and the pain is still there, still quite sharp and definitely still in exactly the same place. I went to work and suffered through my morning appointments until I could get in to see my doctor after lunch.

The doctor ordered an ultrasound, but they couldn't do that until 5, so I went home and tried to sleep. And drink water - you have to have a full bladder to do the ultrasound. No fun to have a full bladder when someone is pushing down on you with a metal wand thingy.

The ultrasound took about an hour - I had three different ones done and in the end it turned out I had an ovarian cyst. The doctor sent me home with some presription strength Alleve and told me it'd either rupture or shrink on its own within a few days.

By Friday night the Alleve wasn't doing a damn thing anymore, so my dear friend who just had an ovarian cyst gave me some Darvocet to get through the weekend. I called first thing on Monday to get #1 a follow up with my gyn and #2 a stronger painkiller.

I couldn't see the gyn until Tuesday afternoon. I spend Monday night crying on the bathroom floor in so much pain that I was literally shaking, sweating, crying, puking... It was awful. I somehow made it through the night and work the next morning. I even went to court. Crazy. I don't know how I did it.

Anyway, Tuesday afternoon the gyn says the decision is really up to me. We can wait and see or he can do follow up imaging or we can talk about surgery. Now, after the horrible Monday night bathroom floor incident, I'm actually feeling better. We think maybe the cyst ruptured so we decide to wait and see.

Wednesday into Thursday I feel better. Thursday night? I start to feel worse... and worse... I call the gyn first thing Friday morning and they set up an appointment for me at 12:45. By mid-morning I am in so much pain I asked Erik to drive me to the doctor, because I had to take a double dose of Lortab just to be able to walk.

The drive from the house to the doctor and then walking from the van to the office did me in. I collapsed on the waiting room couch in the doctor's office crying, shaking, sweating, etc. I was in too much pain to even be embarrassed at that point.

They get me into a room and I just lay down on the table while Erik rubs my neck. I was just breathing, trying to not scream and wail in the office. They doctor comes in and gives me some options. He can send me home with a strong painkiller, he can admit me for IV pain medicine and wait until tomorrow morning to re-image, or he can try to get me in for surgery asap.

I told him I'd been doing the wait and see for TEN DAYS and it wasn't getting better and I wanted the mother fucker out. He called down to admissions, scheduled the surgery and shortly thereafter I was being wheeled downstairs to the hospital.

During all this, Erik is making the phone calls - my parents to get the kids, gotta cancel my wax appointment, gotta find a replacement presenter for the luncheon tomorrow, gotta call the office, etc. etc.

Once in the hospital, I finally got hooked up to an IV with some decent pain relief. I slept for most of the afternoon until it was time for my surgery. I didn't really get nervous until I was in the pre-op room and the anesthesia doctor and all the nurses started prepping me. Then it all sorta hit me.

But by then the happy stuff was being administered and I was out.

So. Here's what happened - the doctor went in to remove the cyst and found multiple cysts behind the one they saw on the ultrasound. He had to remove the whole ovary and the tube. I knew that was a possibility so I wasn't too upset about that.

He also had to remove my IUD in order to do the surgery, which was okay because my husband's stupid insurance won't pay for the removal of the device. So that saved me $150 office visit.

But it did make me feel quite awful for Erik - because looking back now he really didn't have to get the vasectomy after all. They could have done a tubal ligation on the other tube while they were in doing the surgery. Um, ooooops. Sorry, Erik - you have no idea how much guilt I am having on that issue right now.

They released me the same night, which was nice - I got to sleep in my own bed and use my own shower. Yesterday I was really sore and uncomfortable, but this morning I am feeling much better. Still sore, of course, but it's just SO nice not to have the constant burning sharp pain I had before. And I have some very nice post-op narcotics that are making this much easier.

I am supposed to be off work for a week, but I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately I have the type of job that nobody else in my office can completely cover. I am planning on staying home Monday, then easing back in Tuesday, just answering messages and mail for a few hours each day, maybe working on some files at home.

It's been quite an adventure. Now that it is over I am starting to be upset about it. I mean, I am done having kids but still - it feels weird that they removed an entire ovary. Does this make me half the woman I used to be?

I mean, I know it doesn't, but these are the thoughts I have falling asleep on high doses of narctorics....

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Stunned

I... I... I just wasn't ready for this. I was talking with Marc about Easter and asked him if he was excited to see what the Easter Bunny brings. He looked at me for a few second like he had a secret he wasn't wanting to share. Then he whispered... Um, Mom... I know it's you.

I just blinked a few times. I asked him how long he's known. He says he figured it out before Christmas - he knows about Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny... He knows it's me.

I asked if he was afraid to tell me he knew. He said he was because he thought if he told me he wouldn't get presents.

I told him, the secret is this - once you figure it out, you get to help. So he's coming with me tomorrow to help put together a basket for Lisey. And I told him he would still get presents too.

I asked him how he found out and if somebody told him. He said no, he just thought about it and realized it really didn't make much sense. But if it was me and daddy it made sense.

I tucked him in and went into the bathroom and cried. It's just one of those milestones I really wasn't expecting yet and it made me realize how much he's grown up.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Words of Advice

I realized it has been over a month since I last updated my blog. I have no excuse, except my kids have gotten my hooked on Webkinz so I spend most of my time playing with those little critters.

However, in the past month I have learned two very important lessons that I will share.

#1 - wrap around skirt + windy day = NOT GOOD

#2 - peppermint castille soap + naughty bits = NOT GOOD